Wanderer in Jeans

No matter how he explains himself, Mideo M. Cruz proved to be a jerk to his own right. - Anonymous -

Those were such honest words.

Anyway, I ran through my stuff and found an unfinished fanfic in my files. I decided to finally finish it and post out its sequel. Wish me luck!

According to Erich Fromm, our lives are conditioned between having and being. As modernization builds around us, the more we’re inclined to the having state, instead of being. We become more content with what we get from what we do than why we do what we do. Of course, a little security isn’t so bad. What’s bad is if we mistake too much of it as a necessity and if we find ourselves extending it outside worldly belongings. 

Browsing through some old stuff, I saw some old pictures taken some years back. I saw a picture of one of my good friends with his ex. Recalling that evening made me think they’d be together for life. Less than a year later, it was off. Girl finds an easy replacement, and guy swears off the dating. I find it sad, actually, not just because we were friends. What’s sad is how it ended, and how dynamic things went. It went as if the girl just browsed through a closet and changed her wardrobe after a second thought.

How’s this related to having and being?

Let’s put it this way.

As a classic relationship defines, you BEcome important to someone and that someone BEcomes important to you. Nowadays, some people see relationships as commodities to ease whatever shortcomings they have. It’s like HAVING a relationship to compensate for what’s lacking. And when it doesn’t seem to fit anymore, dispose and move on. A joke, this is how I see the nonsense in-between. Relationships are blunt. They don’t HAVE terms and agreement. Like the song goes, it’s just BEcause.

Lord, ang korni ko na naman…

Everytime the thought of the four-year bond crosses my mind, a lot of possibilities tend to cross my mind, what can happen within those four years and what can happen afterwards. It’s weird, isn’t it? I’m not the type to lead or climb my way up the food chain, honestly. But then I took a chance at something off my comfort zone. I still wonder why, aside from wanting something more than contenting myself to what I’ve accomplished at this point and escaping my hellish boss at my old workplace. Even if my boss is… a unique species… it was in my old workplace I found a small family that made me feel welcome. Not to say that my new workplace alienates me, I’m not used to meeting too many people. Being an introvert can be a pain when one of your missions in life is to meet and greet so many people.

One of my new friends told me about wanting to work overseas after the bond expires. He asked me if I wanted to do the same. Well, before someone asked me that question, I really had to plans of leaving the country. Anything can happen within those years, I often tell myself. Contenting myself to staying here isn’t exactly equal to living a life well-lived, isn’t it? Growing also means being open to other options. So again, I opened my doors to leaving the country, despite possibly leaving behind the life I have and will have here. If within the coming months and years, something weighs greater than my plans of finding growth elsewhere, then maybe I can reconsider…

I kind of picture every typical person’s life as a preoccupied dog chasing its own tail. It’s always this never-ending chase of wants and needs.  

Whenever I look back on we were two years ago, I’d stop and wonder why we’ve come to where we are now. If I must admit, I miss how we used to be. Things used to be so simple then. We’d dream about what we want to do, what we want to have. But those days are gone now. Both of us eventually went on to fulfill the roles we wanted to play, and as I’d earlier predicted, it had a price.

Benjamin Franklin once wrote a tale about giving all he had for a whistle. I didn’t want to be those coppers. But sometimes, I feel that the other end would give in for the whistle instead. I understand that, though. If the whistle summons more once it’s blown, why not? Maybe by then, I’d be free enough learn to take and share my happiness elsewhere. 

Life is like a book, and you’re its writer. For every chapter you end, you start a new one. And everytime you start a new one, you’d find it difficult because you’ll need to base it from the ones you’ve left off. Every new chapter comes in that complex package. This is how my life is at the moment. Last year, I took a risk at an apparent opportunity. It paid off eventually. And now, I’m starting over again.

My new workplace is different from my old one. In my old workplace, you don’t need to dress that well. Ground rules were often neglected, especially the ones that often start discomfort among colleagues. In my new one, we needed to dress up. Everything seemed so proper, so orderly. Though they don’t require you to be too formal, there are ground rules. It was new to me because the small office I used to be in didn’t have that much… standards? I guess that’s how you should call it.

It’s something I want, actually, those standards. If you want to be treated well, you have to treat yourself well, something I learned way back. Maybe this is what the new chapter is trying to teach me. That if you want to move upward, you have to feel like you are moving upward. I want to move upward. Despite the family I know I’d leave behind, I took a shot at something, if not better, bigger.

So here I am. I didn’t have much to bring except the tips and tricks my old family gave me. All those things are going to help a lot. Though, I know it’s not as it used to be, I hope it all goes well.

SMFR101 (Temptation)

Probably, one of the most important lessons I’ve learned during the previous year is,“Never yield to temptation.” Now, if your familiar with RELS101 (Religion101), you’ll probably say it’s a basic lesson. Truth? Even the wisest men fall for it. It’s how they gained their wisdom. But there are some who mistake temptation for something else because it felt good. And there are others who recognize it, yet enjoy it for the same reasons as the former. Rephrasing the lesson translates to this, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Years ago, I met a fellow then-struggling artist, from one of the schools I studied in. We were friends with a graduate student, who, to me back then, lived a shady life. Nonetheless, the artist and the graduate student fell in love with each other. But after a year, the guy later discovered the woman was married. He resisted at first, but temptation wrestled and won after some months. They went steady under the nose of the woman’s instructor-husband for another year. How it ended? The truth caught up with them.

Fast forward five years later, and I encounter a somewhat similar setup again. Only, I haven’t seen the ending. I wasn’t around long enough to see it, though I see hints of it in my head. Ain’t purdy, Imma tellin’ y’all folks. Ain’t purdy at all.

Temptation is the mud puddle that takes love’s clear, fluid form. And love becomes the ugly, old rug.

Now, if you were in either one’s shoes, what could you have done? Bask into the same mud puddle or wipe yourself with the ugly, old rug before it gets worse?

If I manage to publish this, it means I finally managed to post something for Tumblr. I quit writing for… God knows how long, and whenever I start over, I always find myself off-track. So at the end of 2010, I made sure that if I start writing again, I’d be more honest, yet prudent.

Mmm… Now how does that work? If I really grew up as I perceived myself to be, I can accomplish just that. But nobody ever grows up completely, in my point of view. I see people as Peter Pans trying so much to say they’ve finally grown up, but they actually haven’t. Myself included. If we did, we’d be perfect.

Twenty-ten was probably the hardest year I’ve ever had. Before those fiery 365 and 1/4 days, I used to think being penniless and unaccomplished is the worst that could happen to me. I was wrong.

The white-collar world finally opened its doors for me last June. I worked for a small company that renders services for bigger fish. I liked the job at first, but it opened a can of too many worms for me, something I suffered for the next few months. I slowly realized my workplace was living hell. I barely had rest which made me look older. I lost fifteen pounds. I encountered something just miles off of slavery. I saw how cruel life can be in most aspects. Worse, I almost lost Frankie… thrice.

But I survived all this, didn’t I? God has always been good to me.

Before twenty-eleven, God gave me a fire escape. Here, a big fish found me. And thank God, it did.

Here’s to hoping this year would help me make things right.